Maladjustment
by KNO
Summary: Tenten struggles to come to terms with the ambiguity of dreams and reality.


" _Tian."_

Tenten sits up in her bed, wide-eyed. She looks around her dark room for the source of the voice, but there is nothing.

Of course. It's always nothing.

Tenten rubs her face with her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. Slowly, she begins to tell herself the truth—that he would have never called her _"Tian"_ , it was a pet name only ever spoken by her parents, and she had only confided this information to him once. He never would have remembered such a singly small detail. And then, Tenten reminds herself that he is dead. Dead people can't speak to the living, no matter how many offerings one lays at their graves.

Tenten nods to herself, accepting her own rationale quickly, lightly, loosely, because this is now routine. His voice wakes her at all hours of the night and she reminds herself of the same terrible truths. It is a dance for her, a careful one.

Tenten gets out of bed and starts her morning, though it is still several hours from daybreak. She never can sleep well anymore.

* * *

Later, after her morning run through the village and her training with Lee and Guy is complete, Tenten happens to run into Sakura at her clinic. The pink-haired surgeon has just finished a consultation when Tenten waltzes into her office, nonchalant.

"Hello," Sakura greets, preoccupied as she swipes some folders into her desk drawer.

Tenten notes that her friend sounds tired. She glances at her bulging stomach and wonders to herself if babies really are energy-sucking demons, forcing symbiosis on unsuspected individuals. At least, that's what it seems like.

"When are you due again?" Tenten finds herself asking, not understanding why Sakura is at work in the first place.

"Next week," Sakura says shortly. Her tone gives away that she's already had this conversation with ten others this week, and no one has been successful in swaying the hospital director to go home. So Tenten lets it go.

"What brings you here? I thought you had some weapons expo to go to this weekend in Iwagakure?"

"It was cancelled. Mudslides," Tenten says. She picks at a loose thread on her fishnets, swallowing.

"Then what—?"

"I keep hearing him, Sakura."

Tenten watches as Sakura sinks back into her chair, deflating as much as she can with a fully round belly. Sakura's eyes are sad.

"You know, I can write you a prescription—"

"Do you think drugs will actually fix anything?" Tenten interrupts, impatient.

Sakura raises her eyebrows. "They might," she answers firmly.

Tenten considers this, looking at Sakura's desk.

"I just wish . . . that I could move on somehow, you know? I feel like I'm still stuck in the same place, after all this time. Everyone is moving forward and I keep standing in the same spot."

Sakura pauses for a long moment before saying, "What do you need to feel like you can move on?"

"A body."

Sakura purses her lips, but her eyes are understanding. Tenten stares back. Maybe that's why she came to see Sakura in the first place. Sakura had experienced firsthand what Tenten was feeling, except her nightmare didn't come true. The reality of it was in plain view—the wedding band, the photos on her desk, the baby in her belly.

Tenten said that she needed proof to move on—and that was true. But not necessarily in the way she had made it sound.

She smiles at Sakura and leaves the office. It hurts to look at her any longer.

* * *

Really, her maladjustment is somewhat justified.

There _is_ no body, even though probability suggests that there wouldn't be one anyway. Not from a mission like that.

It was two years ago, an S-rank. Neji was with some ANBU explosives specialist. Essentially, from what Tenten could gather from the brief that Naruto let her see, their mission was to set explosives in a warehouse a corrupt daimyo was using for fostering drugs into the black market. The explosives were placed without incident, and Neji had been inside the warehouse, doing intel for Konoha, when the bombs had gone off—the daimyo's lackeys had set them off upon entry to pack their drugs for shipping. The ANBU specialist came back alive with nothing but a scratch. Neji, whole or otherwise, was unable to be found. All the daimyo's people died. In the official Konoha record, Neji was listed as deceased. He even had a grave marker in his family's cemetery, right next to his father's.

And yet—there is no _real_ evidence he died.

Tenten has gone through and around and circled back again on listing all of Neji's strengths, his skills, his small allowance for weakness. She is convinced that no explosive, no trip of an alarm, would have gone unnoticed from Neji's Byakugan. It was silly to even think he could not have seen them coming, would not have known to flee to safety immediately.

And yet—there is no _real_ evidence he lived.

Tenten has done the math. She even visited the mission site a year ago, when she could no longer stand not having any answers. The warehouse was fallen in, overgrown with brush. Scorch marks and black, ashy wood stood at what used to be the entrance. But other than the marks of the fires that had blazed, there was no evidence of anything.

It would have taken Neji seventeen days to return to Konoha if he were in good shape. Forty-four days if he had to have medical attention for moderate wounds. Almost three months if he had serious injuries.

But a year had come and gone, and then another. And there was still nothing.

Tenten had willed herself so many times to let it all go. But she was not a girl who could let go of a mystery.

She sits in their old training grounds, wishing him to walk out of the thicket of trees with that old smirk fixed into place. She visits his gravesite, willing him to come up out of the ground, just to prove he isn't alive.

But none of these dreams come true, even when she hopes for it with all her might.

* * *

Tenten brushes her hair out as she gets ready for bed, staring at her eyes in the mirror. Maybe she could go visit Temari for a while, learn some new techniques. And there was Naruto and Hinata's wedding anniversary to celebrate in about a month or so. . . Tenten would need to figure out a gift for them. Ino had mentioned something in passing about having everyone meet at the barbecue restaurant on Thursday—"you know, just like old times!"

Tenten sighs and goes to her room, switching off her light, and climbs into bed.

Summer will arrive soon. She'll have to make sure she monitors her electricity use carefully—she doesn't want an expensive bill like last year.

Contented with these thoughts, Tenten pulls the blanket tight over her shoulders and closes her eyes.

" _Tian. . . Tian. . . Tian."_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading :)**


End file.
